thedan

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http://joshreads.com/?p=13610

Slylock Fox, 5/16/12

Here is a sad story from Josh’s past: When I was in seventh grade I had a big crush on this girl in my class, but being a terrifically shy nerd I never actually tried talking to her or interacting with her in any way; I just looked at her all moon-eyed for most of the daily duration of our Social Studies class, during which she sat just a row ahead of me and one seat to the right. One day after about five months of this, instead of rushing off as usual she hung back after class, came up to me, and looked at me intently. With my heart pounding, I could barely believe it when she finally said the words I had been waiting for: “I want you to stop staring at me.”

It turns out that, according to the scientifically unimpeachable facts presented in Slylock Fox, staring intently at someone is not considered an appropriate mating habit among primates! In fact, it makes you a creepy weirdo. I can only hope that this cartoon equips the awkward seventh graders of today with information they can use.

Blondie, 5/16/12

Call me dumb, or slow to pick up on insulting canine metaphors, or something, but it took me a minute to parse the “Ha ha, Blondie is talking about Dagwood like he’s a dog” joke here, primarily because I don’t believe that a “great sense of humor” is considered a dog stereotype? I mean, I understand that the rule of comedy threes requires Blondie to wedge something in after “loyal and well-groomed” that isn’t the punchline “terrific hearing” but might still be said to apply to both potential husbands and potential pets. I admit that coming up with one is tricky. Could it be something about ball-licking, maybe?

Anyway, kudos to the artist for realizing that the off-panel ARF! wouldn’t work if it weren’t clear that the Bumstead family pet weren’t the one ARFing. Daisy looks as if she were actually intended to be in the background from the strip’s conception, or at least has been composited in later with a reasonable amount of skill.

Garfield, 5/16/12

Yes, he exists in the service of a (blessedly subtle) poop joke, but I have to admit that I’m really charmed by this fly-prophet, crazed in messianic ecstasy and willing to invite anyone of any species to the promised land.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/16/12

Good Lord, Smifs, you didn’t think these insatiable chew-rodents would really obey your so-called “laws,” did you? In retrospect, mankind wished a more effectively organized community had been on the front line in the first phase of the bloody Human-Beaver Wars.

http://ericberlin.com/?p=4862

World History, Geography, and Science. My favorite subjects, all present and accounted for. It’s fun to feel like an idiot first thing in the morning, before you’ve even gotten out of bed.

1. One of the belligerent parties during the Spanish-American War of 1898 was a revolutionary organization known as the Katipunan. In what country were the Katipunan based?

Not a clue. I guessed Cuba. Why not? Actual answer: The Philippines. I assigned this the 3 and my opponent got it. Stay tuned as my opponent misses the question I assigned the zero. That’s why I lost, 3(2)-4(2). Exasperating.

2. Masovia, Silesia, Lublin, and Pomerania are among the more populous voivodeships of what European country?

“Masovia” was saying “Germany,” but “Lublin” was saying “I don’t know, but definitely not Germany.” I tried to visualize a Pomeranian dog and from there tried to figure out its country of origin — that went about as well as you’d expect. So I listed out a lot of European countries and stared. Eventually my eye was attracted to Poland. Why was that one speaking to me? Something about “Lublin.” Some fragile mental connection had been made. Probably illusory, but it was all I had. I went with Poland, fully expecting the answer to be Germany after all. But it was right. It sucks to be this bad at Geography, but when I get something right in that category, it’s pretty darn satisfying.

3. Lon Chaney, Charles Laughton, Anthony Quinn, Anthony Hopkins, and Mandy Patinkin have all portrayed what iconic literary character on screen?

Mandy Patinkin was the roadblock for every possible answer. My first guess was The Phantom of the Opera. Mandy Pantinkin?! I couldn’t see it. Well, then, what? Something horror-oriented, since Lon Chaney is on the list. Or not necessarily horror but… a role with a lot of make-up. Cyrano De Bergerac? That sounded pretty good. But wouldn’t Steve Martin be on the list, then? No, because that wasn’t his character name in Roxanne. And while I didn’t know that Patinkin had played the role, I could easily see someone coaxing him into it, in attempt to keep the Princess Bride swashbuckling thing going. Sure. By the time I entered Cyrano into the blank, I had convinced myself it was a fact instead of a guess.

Actual answer: Quasimodo. Damn!

4. With an electric charge of +1e, this is defined in particle physics as the antiparticle of the electron (and is occasionally referred to simply as the antielectron).

This is not the first time in my life I have confused proton and positron.

5. A groundbreaking 1963 book describing a widespread phenomenon introduced by the author as the problem that has no name was given a name, in her book’s title. What was it?

Immediate thought: Rachel Carson’s Silent Spring. I liked that answer so much, I spent no further time thinking about it. And then, on my train ride this morning, another thought fluttered into my brain: Fear of Flying by Erica Jong. Dammit, brain. Now I have to choose. But 1963 seemed too early for the Jong book, which I associate more closely with the 70s. Yeah, okay. Silent Spring it is.

Actual answer: The Feminine Mystique. Damn!

6. This is a screenshot from what video game for the Atari 2600?

My zero, because I knew it before I clicked on it: Adventure. I guess my opponent is a lot younger than me.

Oh man, did I love this game. I still play it every once in a while — I have all the ROMs for Stella, the Atari 2600 emulator for the PC. Adventure and Megamania are the only two games that remain even remotely entertaining. (Play Pitfall today and you’ll wonder why this game was such a monster hit.)

In Adventure, you didn’t have pre-determined puzzles to overcome. The designers instead give you a single goal — get a shiny chalice into your home castle. Then they populated the game with a bunch of dragons, a bat that likes to steal things, several keys, a sword, and a magic bridge. With all these objects and creatures scattered about, the problems get created spontaneously, and are different every time. Maybe the bat is flying around with the sword, which you need to kill the red dragon, who guards the key that opens the white castle, which is where the chalice must be because you already nearly got killed trying to find it in the black castle. Adventure prepared me for both Dungeons & Dragons and, years later, Nethack, the greatest adventure game ever. It’s darn amazing what they accomplished in this game with only 4K of memory. And yes, the dragons look like giant ducks. Who cares?

http://penny-arcade.com/comic/2012/05/16

http://xkcd.com/1056/

http://ericberlin.com/?p=4855

Oh, did I have big plans for the off-season. For entire minutes following my crash-and-burn Season 52, my teeth were gritted with determination. I was going to turn things around. I was going to do Sporcle quizzes and improve my geography. I was going to bone up on science via Khan Academy. My opponents in the D Rundle would never know what hit them.

Naturally, I did nothing of the sort. I’m the same half-smart player I was last time around. And Day 1 of Season 53 pretty much picks up where Season 52 left off.

1. The specific type of medical device pictured here is named after the 20th c. American physician who first designed it. What was his last name?

Here’s what I knew: This was not a tourniquet. Let me count the ways: Tourniquets were surely not invented in the 20th gawddamn century. Tourniquets were not invented in America. “Tourniquet” doesn’t sound like anybody’s name, and it extra double especially doesn’t sound like any sort of American name. Yes, I believe we can eliminate “tourniquet” as a possible answer.

Decisively crossing off a wrong answer is certainly a valuable skill. It would have been even nicer if I’d had some idea what to replace it with. But I didn’t. So I left tourniquet. Correct answer: Foley, the inventor of the… urinary catheter. What a charming way to begin the season.

2. The web’s most popular online dating service geared (and marketed) specifically toward people who are already in a relationship takes as its name two currently popular names in the United States for baby girls. What is the website’s name?

I swear to God, dear wife of mine, I have no idea why “Ashley Madison” was a gimme. I think I read a couple of blog posts railing against it.

3. Identify the hockey penalty defined by Rule 42 of the Official NHL Rulebook (with revealing words redacted) thus: … shall mean the actions of a player who, as a result of distance traveled, shall violently check an opponent in any manner. _____ may be the result of a check into the boards, into the goal frame or in open ice…

So, wait, that’s not allowed? Isn’t hockey the sport where periodically the players drop their equipment, take off their gloves, and start punching each other, while the referees stand there watching like fans who have wandered out onto the ice?

All right, fine, I guess even hockey needs to have a rulebook. I didn’t know what was supposed to go into that blank, so I said clipping. Actual answer: Charging. Oh, yeah, I can see that.

4. Name the former U.S. Senator from Tennessee (and future Nobel Peace Prize winner) who succeeded Henry Stimson as Secretary of State, and was replaced eleven years later by Edward Stettinius, Jr., leaving office as the longest-serving Secretary of State in U.S. history (a distinction he still holds today).

No idea. Never would have come up with Cordell Hull.

5. Identify this newsmaker.

Hey, I know this one! Francoise Hollande is the Socialist party leader who was just elected president of France. We’re all watching the goings-on in Europe with an increasing sense of dread, right? It’s hard to imagine that the euro is going to exist a year from now, despite the billions upon billions spent to rescue the finances of the countries in the eurozone. Greece is going to default on its debt (as they should have from the very beginning, back when the spillover damage might have been more easily contained), and that’s going to start the ugliest domino effect you have ever seen. Spain, Portugal, Italy, maybe Ireland, too — I think there’s a horribly good chance that they’re all going to declare bankruptcy. At least after that happens we can begin the official recovery period. Until now, most of these countries have been like little kids squirming out of their seats yelling, “I DON’T WANT TO TAKE MY MEDICINE.” But eventually even the brattiest kid understands that nothing good is ever going to happen again unless you sit still and open wide.

6. From the Greek for black and islands, this is a term commonly used for a region of Oceania directly northeast of Australia, including the islands of New Guinea, Fiji, and Vanuatu.

Ebon…? Negr…? I couldn’t come up with the word root I needed here. And even if I had found my way to “Melan…” (think melanin), I’ve never heard of Melanesia.

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http://joshreads.com/?p=13603

Mary Worth, 5/15/12

Wow, so the “Mary is summoned to Gina and Bobby’s surprise wedding, which goes off without a hitch” storyline lasted only three weeks, which has to be some kind of Shortest Mary Worth Storyline record. What could the point of it have been? Was it entertaining in and of itself, even by the fairly low standard of “entertainment” that we can expect from Mary Worth? No! Were we all desperate for closure on the “Gina and Bobby have been reunited and are 100% certifiably in love” plot? Most definitely not! But could their successful reunion and healthy emotional lives serve as a counterpoint to the misery and loneliness that will always afflict the sad and hilarious Weston clan? Now you’re talking!

I feel comfortable telling you (because you all know what a monster I am) that panel two of today’s strip — in which a shlubby, sad Wilbur, combover askew and chest hair on display, slouches away from his daughter, who begs an unfeeling God for mercy — prompted my biggest laugh from the comics so far this week. What might be the source of Dawn’s soul-wrenching sadness? I mean, based on Wilbur’s facial expression and the heartfelt nature of her cry, you’d think it was that Wilbur just told her that they’ve contracted father-daughter cancer and have only six agonizingly painful months to live, but probably it’s just that some boy was mean to her on Twitter.

Dennis the Menace, 5/15/12

“Huh, a little boy running in terror from an enraged, violent adult? Enh, not my problem! I think I’ll just stand here trying to figure out what order to put these three blank index cards in.”

Mark Trail, 5/15/12

HELPFUL CRIME TIP: If you’ve been arrested for murder, and you absolutely must admit to an incident in which you physically assaulted the person who was later killed, try not to get a faraway look in your eye or let a little smile play on your lips, thus making it clear to all what a fond memory this is for you.